Mr. M

One of my drawings (cir. 1998)

Our Kingdom

If all the clocks stopped ticking
And my heart kept life's rhythm
Then my days filled with your love
Would be the foundation of our Kingdom.

I'd furnish the rooms with praise
And hang curtains made of smiles
My promises would light our corridors
Of happiness that would travel on for miles.

But if you ever feel a doubt
Or feel our Kingdom's walls crumbling
Be assured that our souls would unite
To create a bond that is never failing.


(Written May 10, 2002 for my Grandparents 50th Anniversary)

Her Space, His Hell

Sadly Unaware (The Fool) - 

The new utter "be all" of life, soul and thought
You are the stooge that waits for hell to arrive
It'll empty upon you illusive affection and approval 
And your wish granted, only for the fact of convenience
A sitting duck no longer sitting on the shore of safety
You will soon be the next closed chapter of its pathetic story
The fool who believed in its words, its looks, the rhyme
Know - at one time, we all were the fool in your shoes.

She's Been the Only Constant

She's almost 14 years old and I've had her since she was 2 months old.  She's been the only constant in my life for over a decade.  It's simply unfair that I only get that amount of time with her.  The one girl who has been there through all my smiles, all my tears and heartache, all the important moments in my life. 

"Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative." ~Mordecai Siegal (b. 1934)  

This quote hangs framed in my bathroom. 

Keep Moving

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving." ~Albert Einstein
___________________________________________
Every day is like an act to keep all the balls in the air, to avoid telling it like it really is and all the while trying to avoid hurt feelings.  Yet you attempt to maintain a certain integrity within.  Life is nothing more than a balancing act and a game to keep from being screwed by the morals you've instilled for yourself.  

I'd rather ...

...breathe on my own.

Circumstances Never Stray

There's a tone to your voice, a thought of you that clouds my thoughts...it isn't all a chosen circumstance that keeps you away...is it? It should be a choice to be here...a desire...the craving...the ache that should drive your heart to ...why can't it be? Change it...be here now.  I implore the desire your heart yells...I scream within... within this room of uncertainty. Suffer alone, bring me to my ... dreams on my knees. Save me from all this ....  It all . . . just . . . seems a matter of circumstance.  

Use Me No More

Release of My Fixation

It was an addiction, an unending want of insanity
A simple desire of humiliation, and a need of fear
A quiet crazy that rested inside his reserved space 
It continued to whisper, assured me he was somewhere near

It told me to keep him close, to feed upon the pain
Old dreams are now kept locked in clouds protected from me
I sat a safe distance enabling no speculation of intent
Far from his hate that would have no doubt devoured my soul.

Yesterdays words, full of empty promises tossed aside
And a forever love discarded like the trash he feeds
Tomorrow will be a new day of no more misunderstanding 
No longer will he be a sliver of desire in my secret room.


(Old story, but not forgotten)

White Dreams Fade

A Wonderful Undeniable Delusion? 

In this impervious room, I feel him
A deliberate presence of significance
These walls once built by suffocation 
Are weakened by the thought of his admiration


Will I survive, accept and believe in predestination 
After my heart’s destruction of its insecurities 
Can the foundation previously standing around my soul
Be replaced with pillars of undeniable infatuation of love


This apprehension, at the risk of losing myself beyond reason
Will be a surrender of total balance of preservation 
I am prepared to hand over to this man without trepidation 
A lifetime of expectations, real promises and uncompromising devotion. 

Kansas

Always missing home.

Be Here Now

I'm so tired of waiting.

When My Heart was Untainted . . .

When I still believed there was such a thing . . .
______________________________________
Can You Let Go

Can you walk away
Bring yourself to forget me
Tell me how you maintain
That wall of unquestionable fear

Do you feel protected by animosity  
The arms of mistrust won’t protect
One day you’ll have to let go
And allow this Love to take over

You’ll be my everything and all
A sanctuary of dreams for me
The safe haven from daily obstacles
You were, are and will be forever mine.  

Eye See You

Through the stats I see those wanderers who have read my blog, what country you're from and how often you visit here.  However, I really don't know who you are.  Say hello, won't you?

Living Without . . .

When you follow your heart, you leave normal.  You leave all reason, all logic and all that is sometimes you, behind.  Sometimes you only realize it's all missing after there's nothing you can do about it.  ~Me

Never

"You'll never live
The life that I live
I'll never live the life
That wakes me in the night
You'll never hear
The message I give
You'll say it looks as though
I might give up this fight"

Words of Fiona Apple (Never is a Promise)

---

A misunderstanding of what is relevant, what is a priority and what is desired from another. A realization of different worlds that will more than likely never cross paths will surely keep dreams at bay this evening.

This is my observation. Simply an apparent study of the circumstances. ~Me

Self Reflection, Past Mistakes

"It's not what you look at that matters. It's what you see."  ~Thoreau

Getting Lost in Abstract

"Sometimes being lost in color is the only way to avoid the dullness of life." ~Me

A Relative State of Clearness

It's always a wait for him.  While the one being waited on realizes that the waitee is not worth her wait at all.  When will the clearness come to him that he is the reason why the wait never ends.

Flutter No More Hateful Dreams

The One

"I want the man who would see me, even if he were blind." ~Me

In the End

Somehow, it always comes to this, the worst kind of silence . . .

Why Hold on Deadwood

"Loud and clear but you still don't get it
I call you up and then I'll regret it
It gets me down
You want the truth but you look right through it
Deadwood, but you hold on to it
It's such a shame"

(Lyrics by Garbage; Deadwood)

We all want a truth that fits what we want when we want it. We all want what's not good for us, we all want the grass on the other side...but sometimes, the grass has weeds. 

Sometimes Its All You Got

When there's no more words and no more thoughts to distract the heaviness, sometimes the quietness takes over.  It envelopes you, it makes you question what its all been worth . . . if there ever was a worth to have been.


Sometimes, being yourself is all you got.

Does it Always have to ...

You were so unbelievably undeserving of my time, my heart, my love...

Leftover Novelties

"Good taste distracts the mind of creativity."

A Weighted Decision

Day by day I become myself once again
And the craving subsides in my heart
No memories being created, old ones do expire 
Without our words make it easier to be apart.

A choice made by the victims of circumstance
We cannot dwell on the thought of sacrifice,
So in my secret hell my life will continue
Until we can maintain and fight this vice.

Then if these two souls intertwine once more
A road made of different stones we'll cross,
A new bridge we'll develop through simpler love
All forgiven - our past of painful words and loss.

An Old Story . . .

Photo taken by Michael Moore Photography

"There's tarts and whores but you're much more
You're a different kind 'cause you want their minds
And you just don't care 'cause you've got no pride
It's just that face on your pillowcase that thrills you"
(... Lyrics by Garbage; Butterfly Collector)

Pleasure is a Matter of Disposition

"Be careful Anais, abnormal pleasures kill the taste for normal ones."

Years of Fun

My experience as a photographer has been nothing short of amazing.

A Paper Heart . . .

A Life Made by a Paper Heart


In this deafening storm of my mind I'm stripped.
I seek a shelter of words that bring my resistence,
And terrorize my soul beyond their meaning of simplicity
Yet what is it you see that reminds you of intricacy?


Can you read the pages that have created this book
How it will end? The details of this ardor are still unclear.
Can you write the epilogue that will be my life story 
Or will you simply read it after a dusty shelf life of boredom? 


In these pages, my life sits undisturbed and undiscovered
Safe from critical minds and contemptuous people unlived
I will remain impervious to the point of my own insanity
For this paper heart will continue on untorn and enchanted.


~Me

Making a New Life Decision

It all seems to get lost, within my head and definitely within my heart. Jumbled and knocked about by my morals and better judgment.  I allow, what would normally make sense, to grab a hold of my decisions and violently shove them into place when in reality it would be best to presume it's always in the wrong direction and to redirect those decisions to a higher ground. Sounds a little jumbled, eh? 


There seems to be a very clear answer to the question . . .

Self Awareness attracts same

"If a man can stay silent, although he strongly disagrees, shows strength in himself, his beliefs and unyielding self awareness." ~Me

A Memory Holds On To Your Heart ...

Every time I look at this photo I feel safe. I can't explain it but life just seems more simple, calm and real when I get lost in its clouds and endless blue road.  It describes me perfectly.

It will probably always be my favorite image I've taken to date.  It keeps me happy and sane when life's drama can get so overwhelming.

Something once . . .

. . . was written for me. A portion . . . 


"She is hope, a lion's roar
And in our reverie, she does soar
So in her, I can see
Flakes of dreams pouring reality"

Solitude is my Guide

Listen as the wind blows
From across the great divide
Voices trapped in yearning
Memories trapped in time
The night is my companion
And solitude my guide
Would I spend forever here
And not be satisfied

Lyrics from *Possession* by Sarah McLachlan ... seems to say it all

You love me now but You'll hate me soon

It seems to be an ongoing cycle. It's a delight that won't be denied.

Blank, Empty, Lost without a Thought

I purchased a blank canvas tonight.  I hung it thinking if I saw it on my wall, ideas would flow down upon me.  I thought about the colors, I imagined the vision, I listened intently to . . . absolutely nothing.

My first attempt at an actual painting.  I've wondered over the years if I have within me, somewhere deep in there, his talent.  I had hoped that if he gave me nothing else, he at least had the courtesy of bestowing that trait.  After all, I received so many others.  Many of which I would gladly give back.

I never thought in a million years I would be taking and creating such images as this.  Creativity is something I will never take for granted. 

An Old Black and White tells the story

I should have realized it was all wrong.  Nothing but a drift in the wrong direction, nothing but a poor fit.  An indication - the photo shoot simply a perspective.

Atlanta was never right.

Those We Do Not Fear

I did not create the art you see here.  I simply captured it from a wall in Phoenix.  Something about it speaks loudly yet whispers softly and stirs confusion within me.

Below was written for a friend who dealt with the obsessive thoughts of another human being...something no one should have to deal with or tolerate alone.


Those We Do Not Fear

I have seen your face before. You are no one special to me, no one who I care to care about nor your words you've chosen as an attempt to force feed.  You are not unique to me.  The past has been full of defectives such as yourself and those who gather around your narcistic sucking aurora. When will you finally realize that you are but an empty shell to me?  And that you, yourself, have created your own demons who haunt you by simply being abhorrent you.  Go run to your groupies and tell them I said hello.  Be sure to mention they are being played as fools.  Manipulated by you who believes you are deserving of my full attention.  All the while you wait and pass your time by making do with fools' conversations, and deep inside your heart you wish to reach my level of humanity.  A level you will never ascend to.  You are simply not worth my time, my thoughts, my worry nor my being.  You are just you.  I am just me, without you, content and safe far from you.

Finally . . .

... I am home.

Let the words flow, let the lens capture ... free the demons

"Weakened by a state of hate, as every page whispers your fate."

"Creativity releases the demons from the room within the mind."

Float to Safety. . .

The Prelude

From a throne made of exceptional morality
She sat silently observing a forbidden life
A new viability worth risking and accepting
The secret to the survival of her lost direction

Freeing herself from a servitude of desperation
She floated down, softly landing in her new life
A life filled with old burdened souls of intolerance
Of oblivious minds and hearts searching for absolution

~Me, 2006

Home is Where my Heart will Always Be . . .

Rows and rows of the most beautiful flowers I had ever seen... strong enough to stand higher than a barn and giving enough to share its seeds...

And now...

Only pretty enough to look at.

A Photograph that Tells the Story

A Self Created Deuce

In my world of intolerable self detachment
I sit dispassionately as I fight to regain morality
Trying to pass judgment on a life of choices
This is how I have chosen to pass my time of error.

You will not be my prophet criticizing my wrong doings
I need not a man to point out deformity and shortcomings
So I'll wish nothing but the most honorable alternatives
To maintain a continuing power to sustain and carry on.

I can survive through what the world makes of me
Hold in my hand the hearts and souls of weak minds
And crush my insecurities by measuring their inadequacies
I will be the person I've sought out in no other.

The Shot that Got Away

Legs parted and thoughts of entrancement zipped to the near miss of...what...through these memories only a vision of what could have happened if the hand grazed... sweetness is the taste of what has been thought never to have become...no more guilty remnants, no more feeling of constraint...would it ever be, would it ever want to be, but should it ever be? Nothing to come from it other than...knowing now it was at his fingertips makes the wanted more desirable and yet further distant, now guarded. A fantasy metamorphosed from that moment, brought about by a glance, by the touch that never awarded by itself.

Legs parted and thoughts carried away now built up to a mountain of self pleasure...thinking of that near miss of...what...was needed...begging now of the cold harsh chains...no emotional guilt restrains...dripping of...dripping between lips...what leads to the zipped pointed black heels...slip of the hand, slip of the tongue, stroke of fingertips. To the ground...the wrists are...the cold hard surface is where the warmth surrenders to words of...dripping, kissing, restraining...new strength, bruises of desire from the shot that got away.

~Me

Rain just happens . . .

"Weather is a great metaphor for life - sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, and there's nothing much you can do about it but carry an umbrella." ~Terri Guillemets

The Mothman

Once there was this girl who fell head over heals for an artist who believed he was as good as God. Those around him believed he was equal to God because he told them he created art like God.

A View From Self Proclaimed Grandeur

We hate the most in ourselves in what we see-

We deal with only what we can understand-

We blame others when we cannot face the mirror-

Then hide behind a band wagon of starry eyed followers.

Such a weak person turns and points a blackened finger

Criticizing everyone else who carries on contentedly.

We are given but one life to live as we choose and

Stronger willed hearts loose sight of hypocrites.

Inflated egos plan tyrannical attempts of reckoning

Simply because they believe they can do no wrong,

But keep in mind, feeble attacks at another's character

Show the world a true face of pretentious narcissism.

The Photo Shoot that Started it All

My very first model photo shoot was with Kerriana in Atlanta in 2005. Although I was not a newbie at dealing with models, this time I was on the opposite side of the lens.

Hot lights attached with a clamp light from Home Depot, cigarettes in my house for the first time (I don't smoke and didn't allow it in my house- all in the name of art), a very trusting model when the light became loose and almost fell on her head and my very first attempt at lighting in general.

I think it went very, very well.

Life takes on Many Faces

Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever. Yet sometimes its the largest. I moved across the country in the early part of 2008 for nothing less than a "change". I finally thought my life was on a track that would warp me into the person I wanted to be, thought I could be, desired to be... and then, Life flipped a 180 on me....

One day, not long after, I realized I was already the person I thought I could be but sometimes it takes a force stronger to slap us and make us realize we have in ourselves to be that person in its entirety. It enables us to tolerate others' short comings, to love few, to accept many and carry on beside those we meet every day on a level of sanity. I know now, I am who I always wanted to be...

Whether or not you chose to follow, this blog will be a place to share that person - on my time and in my own fashion...