Individuality Yet to Be

What does the past hold and duplicates in your future? I find there's nothing there but photos lacking contrast full of imitated poses, predictability leading to a stereotypical fraud. You have no unique thoughts, never did, never will. Creativity is still lacking, no matter how different the layout of the land becomes or what disguise you wear to capture the timid young. A continuous lie after lie........to yourself.


“Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known.” ~ Chuck Palahniuk

Forever in My Thoughts

My Chloe - May 1997-June 2013

Guilt. I feel guilt daily several times.  Guilt for taking a two day trip, guilt I can no longer put her to bed at night and keep her warm, guilt for constantly checking the clock when I'm away from home.  Rather than guilt maybe its the emptiness, a void, an unbelievable sadness I feel that doesn't seem to want to go away.  Nothing seems to fill the void for very long.  I just keep waiting for it to get easier.......in time they say.

She made everything better.  She made me happy.  She was the only "person" who made me happy, all of the time for absolutely no reason at all ...... this was from the unconditional love she gave.

There is a power that dogs are given.....strong, unbreakable, forgiving, relentless, undoubting, calming.....a power that is so unyielding that it's incomprehensible such a small animal has been gifted with such a power. When they are taken away from us they yank a part out of us to hold with them to keep them safe, to remind them of how much they were loved, how much they were needed and how much they touched our lives.  If this is the reason for the hole I feel then I welcome it.  I will keep telling myself that the emptiness is for a good reason.  A reason that I am thankful I had 16 years to get ready for and a lifetime to hold her close to my heart and forever in my thoughts. I will miss you my Chloe Bear.

Welcomed clouds

“Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.”  - Rabindranath Tagore, Stray Birds

The best kind of man?

Be with the man who ruins your lipstick not your mascara.....

It's taken me a long time to figure this out but I think its finally sunk in.

Secrets

The secrets are not in the words......they are in the thoughts behind them.

Never

You'll never make it there.

Too much

"And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said, 'Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void,' he said
'It's all in your head,' and I said, 'So's everything'
But he didn't get it I thought he was a man
But he was just a little boy" ~ Paper Bag, Fiona Apple 

Always there

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Every night.....they haunt

Over and over again.  I try to remember the details, I try to remember the feeling of what.....I try to make sense of what I, deep down, already know.  The reasons they haunt are well known to me but it's easier to discount them than to accept them.  

An Impact

"Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin and they end with no lasting memory made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life." ~ (500) Days of Summer, 2009

However, some days are made remarkable, not by the events, but by the people in them. 

A Vintage Happy

My Father , my Mother and myself, cir. 1975

"I know why families were created with all their imperfections. They humanize you. They are made to make you forget yourself occasionally, so that the beautiful balance of life is not destroyed." ~Anais Nin
______________________________
As I rummage through the photographs, the smiles, I noticed, gradually left as the photos were taken over the years.  Does that mean that the realization of life's experiences were shaping our futures?  Happy almost seemed to be scooting ever so closely to the edge....... just out of frame......

To forgive?

"The stupid neither forgives nor forgets; the naive forgives and forgets; the wise forgives but does not forget." ~ Anonymous

This is a difficult task for me. I've saved so many words, I've re-read so many rants, love letters and sulky verse that with each reopening of the wound created from the circumstance I find it more and more difficult to forgive. These simpletons, I tell myself, don't know me.  I've only allowed a small fraction to slip through the cracks and yet they believe they can decipher my thoughts, know my words or read into my work?  Who are they to hold themselves so high upon a pedestal?  

Human nature craves fault, feeds from it and satisfies only its own ego. You know and accept what you allow yourself to understand. Hypocrite. You know who you are. 

An afterthought

A Lover's Afterthought

No longer a necessity to my mind's function
Forgotten all but a glimpse of a red kiss
He does not determine my afterthoughts
But since been replaced with a lonely bliss

Take me for what these words are worth
Demanding my love isn't a road without stones
A hesitation grows abundant in my heart
I cannot take his hand unto a land of unknowns

I will be a woman without a solid love
Willing to live on as I originally planned
Before my soul and mind becomes obscured
This life I shall take control of and command.

~ Me, 2006

The flight is so much prettier

I really hate this feeling.  How can a feeling be so empty yet feel as though it fills my entire being without regard to my state of mind?  Very slowly over a period of time, it has created this monster within that stalks my inner demons......and sulks when it doesn't get it's way.  


I will give in.......I always give in.  


After all these years, it's a feeling I've never been able to accept. Yet it happens every time I get close. It eats me alive until I simply can take it no longer.  I never knew the why, the what, and when.  It would just happen.


Today I had a revelation.  Now suddenly, as I sit here, I realize that its a fight or flight defense.  Normally my mind wanders randomly and can't pinpoint the reasoning behind the confusion.  I no longer have the fight in me......but is the flight so much easier? And at what cost?  It's so much easier now to just accept it and move on.  It is what it is and it is what I am.  At this point, why bother changing years of hard work?

Believe

"She believes in many things....
*That human nature eventually tells on itself. 
*A man who rushes in too quickly to love isn't really in love but rather a soul afraid to be by himself. 
*Ask a man of regrets and he will only tell you what he wishes you to know.
*A man with a last wish will wish for what he feels most important in life, thereby revealing his morals. 
*A man who isn't comfortable in his own skin will tell you what you want to hear when the moment comes but will act upon the opposite when you're not looking. 
*A man who is too bold is too busy thinking of his next plan of action to notice the woman standing before him. 
*A man who can mingle doesn't feel belittled in a room of intelligent people.
*Those who compliment too easily are always looking for the next to compliment rather than focusing on the gift of the relationship they already have.
*Trust is given as rarely as shown."
~ The Journal of the Elusive Contradiction; October, 2011 

One sided....nothing

I don't deal well with one sided friendships.....Hell, I can hardly deal with two sided, mutual ones.  Don't believe you're the only one with a lot going on in their head, make time or hit the road. Life isn't going to slow down until you can deal with it.  It's just going to run you over.  

"The things you do
Aren't good for my health
The moves you make
You make for yourself
The means you use
Aren't meant to confuse
Although they do..."

~Dangerous, Depeche Mode

The Eye of an Artist

Differences; Oil on Canvas, 2012

The phrase goes, "A wise man once told me...." but in this case the only thing wise this man ever said to me was that, "An artist is the closest thing to God because he can create something from nothing just like God."  Do I believe him? Well, let's keep the topic of religion and what I believe to another post.  For now, let me just say, that art has a way of calming the beast within.  


Art, in one form or fashion, has been a part of my soul this entire life.  Beginning with a father who paints landscapes and a mother who at one time drew and sketched.  The life of an artist was graciously instilled in me....and it has come easily.  For as long as I can remember I saw things in a different light - literally.  Everything in front of me had an imaginary frame around it, had several shades of shadow and movement stood still for a very brief moment, just long enough for me to envision a photograph.  Even now I notice the smallest of wonders from the perfect dandelion swooped up by a gust of wind to the sun shining through the tallest palm tree creating a star burst of light.  I find myself constantly scanning...scanning....scanning....... everything in sight for the next perfect photo. Now....


......I've moved into painting.  This hasn't been as easy.  There's no "undo" button in painting.  When the brush hits that canvas you better have an idea of the end result before you even begin.  Such a frustrating art.  Trial and error can make a man go mad.  However, the reward at the end is so much more amazing. 


I was once asked if I had a vice.  The only vice I can come up with is the need to always have art in my life.  I can't possibly think of a day going by without some form of art crossing my mind and the very deep desire to create.  My life just wouldn't be worth living if I couldn't create something from nothing.  

The Consumption of Dreams

They are unrelenting....one right after another and when dawn finally comes the worry sets in.  Even though it is fleeting, the seeds are planted and the thoughts are like gnats that bite and chiggers that hide beneath the skin's surface.  My entire life they've been there but only in the past few years has the haunting really begun.

It was a clear cool day.....

Wishes are few.....
I wish you hadn't stopped coming around. 

To be silent

“Fear not those who argue but those who dodge.” ~Dale Carnegie

___________________________________

It is a balance, it is a choice, and sometimes it is a sacrifice.  In the end, whose arms would you rather be in. 

Some one

"I may never be good enough for some one, but I'll be the best for the one who deserves me."  ~Unknown

The Truth

It feels like a hole was left......sleep will fix it, sleep fixes everything.

"The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is."
~ Winston Churchill

All with a new eye...

"Now you're just somebody that I used to know..." ~Gotye

An Opaque Beauty

"There are progressions in which the last step is sui generis — incommensurable with the others — and in which to go the whole way is to undo all the labour of your previous journey. ... Up to that point, the kind of explanation which explains things away may give us something, though at a heavy cost. But you cannot go on 'explaining away' for ever: you will find that you have explained explanation itself away. You cannot go on 'seeing through' things for ever. The whole point of seeing through something is to see something through it. It is good that the window should be transparent, because the street or garden beyond it is opaque. How if you saw through the garden too? It is no use trying to 'see through' first principles. If you see through everything, then everything is transparent. But a wholly transparent world is an invisible world. To 'see through' all things is the same as not to see." ~C.S. Lewis,  The Abolition of Man (1943)

Calling You...

"I will keep calling you to see
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me
I can't believe you actually picked me" ~Calling You, Blue October

Always...

“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours.”

When you find....

...."him". It doesn't take time.....if you already feel it in your heart and soul. 

It all comes together

"The mistakes make us who we are." ~ This Means War, 2012

Moving on...

"Forgiveness means letting go of a hurtful situation and moving on with your own happiness." ~ Amanda Ford

Confessions and Reminiscing

It was good to reminiscence, long overdue.  Memories within the touch...many questions, even more answers...a few realizations and a couple confessions...couldn't sleep..... thinking...thinking...thinking...

Drifting

Drifting (in part) by Kit McCallum

I often try too hard I find,
To analyze and guess,
To scrutinize, investigate
My life I will confess.

For somewhere deeper, there must be
Some meaning to this life,
Some way to make a difference,
Give a reason for this strife.

Is there some hidden meaning?
Some agenda to be found?
A greater purpose waiting
If I care to hang around?

It teases and it taunts me,
                                             Always slightly out of sight;
                                             A hazy vision out of reach,
                                            Where darkness hides the light.

To my pencil and sketch book friend....

"I think I want out of here".....  Please, please clue me in.  You're drifting too far away.....I am so very worried for you.

I want ...

I want to be dependable, I want to be courageous and good
I want to be faithful so that I can be heroic and true
I want to be a friend you can rely on you can lean on and trust
I want to understand so I can forgive and be willing to love
~ Metal Heart, Garbage

Just Have Patience .....

..... and it will all, eventually, land into place. 

The Choice Isn't Always Your's

"Sometimes when you give up on someone, it's not because you don't care anymore, but because you realize they don't." ~Anonymous

Rainbows and Chinese Food

Saguaro Lake, February 19, 2012 (7:04 a.m.)

Yesterday's fortune cookie read, "Tomorrow your creative side will shine forth with exceptional ideas." Today, a rainbow held the sunrise captive and the kiss was free. 

Outside the Box

Sometimes you have to look outside your own comfort zone to find the person you're missing....

Silence

Silence, January 2012

Something magical happened last week.  I was going through some papers and ran across my old pencil tin, something I had stashed away when photography took a hold of me back in 2005. In fact, the last time I drew anything worth noting was in 1998.  So I suppose this would be the first doodle I've doodled in a very, very long time.  As I was drawing this I also realized why so many artists are self induced hermits.  Creating something from nothing does something to your soul.  It cleanses, it makes you feel something along the line of exhilaration. It makes your heart pump faster as you come to the end of the project and realize that what you envisioned in your mind actually transferred onto the paper or canvas. This is something that no other person can ever take from you.  It's yours, you own it.  Being able to create a visual piece of yourself and getting lost in the moments makes you feel safe.  It makes the reality outside your door dissolve, even for a few minutes, it's just you and your creation.

Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?

"And suppose that you lived
In that forest in France
Where the average young person
Just hasn't a chance
To escape from the perilous
Pants eating plants!


You oughta be thankful
A whole heaping lot
For the people and places
You're lucky you're not."
~Dr. Seuss, (1973)
___________________________
Rather than being sad you are you, sad that life seems so unfair to you, sad that an injustice you've created in your mind has made things a little bumpy, sad that you may not have what others might enjoy and instead of feeling there should be an easier way to survive....instead....for once....be aware enough to realize that in your life you have those surrounding you already that want you in their lives...just as you are and what they see in you......is you.

Sometimes it's...

...never too late to try again.  You just have to find me. 

That's Him . . .

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the boy who kisses you on your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you're in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, ''...that's her' and smiles..." ~Unknown

The House that Cages Us

"Houses are not haunted. We are haunted, and regardless of the architecture with which we surround ourselves, our ghosts stay with us until we ourselves are ghosts."  ~Velocity, Dean Koontz

There Are Always Reasons

Everything does happen for a reason...

Simple words would have made a world of difference. Silence....as written before....is the worst kind of communication. I was not the one for him.  Fate.

Perfect Imperfection

I was reading through quotes this evening, as I often do, and ran across this one, "Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly." Quoted by Sam Keen.

For me reading quotes tend to make me look at difficult or mundane situations in another light.  A self-therapy if you will. A way to shed light on sometimes very dark moments in my life. Tonight, when I read this one, something inside me registered differently.  For such an unbelievable simple saying the impact was quite forceful.

After so, so many wrong people .... before I even realized what was happening and days before this quote .... I had begun to notice it the last time we were together, just laughing and sharing an everyday day....there's something else there. Possibly right below the surface, just out of my reach at this moment but ....

Every moment I spend with him, I'm beginning to see something a little different in myself, in him........

It's Time...

...to get lost in photos again. Soon.......reset my default setting. 

Unbearable

I find myself focusing too much on the imbalances.  The uncertainty of the outcome of an unbalanced relationship.  Does it matter that I notice too much, that I fidget when I do and that I bottle the awareness up inside for only as long as I can hold my breath?  I watch, I judge, I make snap decisions on what I feel is right at that exact moment.  When justice would be served better if I simply waited it out.  It will pass.  It always does.  So I wait..... and then waiting makes other imperfections seem like errors.  In reality, imperfections make us human.....yet then again, being human is sometimes all together unbearable.  

Listen to the Secrets

"Maybe, maybe we look for secrets because we can't believe our minds..." ~ Girl Interrupted, 1999

Everyone has them....  It's the person who loves us, despite the worst of all, who you should learn to trust.

Ground Lost

If you notice I'm drifting away..... it's time to read the email.
______________________
"Every day you spend drifting from your goals is a waste not only of that day, but also of the additional day it takes to regain lost ground” ~ Ralph Marston

Clarity

At times it seems with every failure, you become more and more clear to me.  A clarity that will, I'm sure, win out over all the wrong people.  It's just a matter of time . . .in which I'll see past all the blur.

In the Beginning...

...it's always a sunrise.  It's the moments in between that make the day worth ... the sunset.