Wishy-washy

__________________________________
"Endurance is frequently a form of indecision."  ~Elizabeth Bibesco, Haven, 195
__________________________________
I was once called wishy-washy.  

I was led to believe I didn't know what I wanted.   When in fact, really all I knew at that exact moment was I absolutely, positively didn't want him. 

The Struggle of an Artist

Ghosts of the Heart, by Calliope's Room Photography

I read an interesting interview the other day.  One given by Michelle Williams, an actress.  She stated, "It seems to me that as soon as you get good at something, it is a sure sign that it is about to walk out of your life because it ceases to hold your mind and creative energy hostage."

I don't think I've ever heard a better explanation of what I feel is my constant struggle with my art and photography.  Upon completion of any piece of art, whether it be a photograph, a drawing and now more recently, a painting, there is a tugging at my chest.  Something is always missing.  I feel the piece could have been better if only I had or if only I hadn't.  I've always felt this was a flaw of my own doing.  I've felt very strange inside and as though I wasn't worthy of making art.  Some artists might know exactly what I'm describing for they've felt it as well.  However, I honestly think that if the feeling ever goes away, then so will my desire to create.  For that reason I welcome this uneasy and constant tugging at my heart .....  I hope it never goes away.  If only all of life's uneasiness was as acceptable and tolerable.  

Waiting

"You have to be patient.  I'm not."  ~ Madonna

If you slow down, you won't miss all the perfect moments that build a lifetime of happiness.  Be patient and what's meant to be, will be. 

Now, everyday goes by faster and faster but this theory has yet to let me down.

"I want to know more about you."

The funny thing about "I want to know more about you" is that you never really know how much of the full, honest truth you're getting in response.  It seems to be a very irrelevant question when you think about it.  The reactions you should really be paying attention to are the timing of the smirks, the exact moment when the eyebrow becomes raised and the questions that are asked in response to the childhood memory or secrets you tell her.  

The next words that fall from the lips are jaded, they are strategic and mostly they are clouded with a lifetime of doubt.  Observe, remember, act on what you see.  Learn the poker face and retain the reaction to certain words, places she takes you and memoirs she decides to share.  While the stories might seem very insignificant, they are true reflections of who she is and, in turn, the soul she is looking for.  

The Stranger

"The Stranger" Oil on Canvas, September 2011, My Work

Beautiful Stranger
Haven't we met
You're some kind of beautiful stranger
You could be good for me
I've had the taste for danger

If I'm smart then I'll run away
But I'm not so I guess I'll stay
Heaven forbid
I'll take my chance on a beautiful stranger

I looked into your eyes
And my world came tumbling down
You're the devil in disguise
That's why I'm singing this song

To know you is to love you
You're everywhere I go
And everybody knows
To love you is to be part of you
I've paid for you with tears
And swallowed all my pride

~Madonna

A Monster Within

Tree, Cir 2011, Oil on canvas

I believe I would have allowed that blank canvas to remain blank forever had it not been for a wonderful person coming into my life.  He has reopened my eyes and heart to painting.  He may have very well even awoken a sleeping monster.  This is the result of my first attempt at painting.  
Now, if you find you can't reach me by phone and I don't answer the door for hours and hours... well just assume I have been swallowed alive in a world of fantasy and color. 
BEEP! "Leave a message and I will get back to you when I've swam ashore."