I can't...

...keep doing this.

The Exception

"Exception, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. 'The exception proves the rule' is an expression constantly on the lips of the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought of its absurdity." ~ The Devil's Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce

Are you my exception?

In the end...

...it's the people in our life who made the difference.  The one's who taught us who we are, both the good and the bad.  Hold on tightly to both.

The Sign of the Daisy

“All summer she scattered the daisy leaves; They only mocked her as they fell. She said: "The daisy but deceives; 'He loves me not,' 'he loves me will,' One story no two daisies tell." Ah foolish heart, which waits and grieves Under the daisy's mocking spell.” ~ The Sign of the Daisy, Helen Hunt Jackson 

The reason behind the complex behavior

"Maybe he's too pretty, or maybe he's too easy to get, or maybe it's really that he'd just be too easy to lose."  ~The thoughts of Katniss in Catching Fire

It's Here...

It's here I exhale a dispassionate sigh
A thought followed by a tear, quickly lost
The journey chosen by circumstance
Which beats down from time to time
It's here I wonder if fate really exists
A look upward which reflects within
The road has truly been for one
Which seems might just pass me by
It's here I believe I shall survive
A friendly reminder is earned strength
The course of many welcomed chances
Which have inspired an elaborate individuality.

Who I am, Who I am Not

I'm not a chaser. I'm not a runner. I'll never be yours. I'm never a priority. You'll never be one to me. Who I am? I'm not who you want me to be.  Who am I not? I'm not a disbeliever. Be the one you want me to be. Believe in me. I'll be who I am and no less, no more. It isn't who I'm not that you want. You want me as you want me to be. There never was me. There was never you. There was never us. It's what I want to be that makes no sense. No sense to me. No sense to them. My life is mine. Your heart will never be a part of.... what more do you want me to be if I'm not even who I want to be? It's all just a life of quoted has been, I write this as I wonder Who I am, Who I'm Not. I'm not who I'll be in the end, the middle is not me. This day will end with just me then begin over with me being me. I'm a mix of many gathered into one. I am not to be mistaken, I am only me, you will always just be you. Never for one, never for us, I will be only who I will ever want to be.  Do not understand me, the words or where it goes from here? Be you, I'm me and we'll never be us. 

Self Worth

The more I think about it, the more I truly believe that the amount of faith you have in others equals the amount of self worth you find in yourself.  Then I wonder - if you allow yourself to fall for someone you believe is far better than yourself, in morality and integrity, you won't trust yourself enough to just let it be.

For a Fleeting Moment

"Honestly, I wish you never let go of me when you held me in your arms. It gave me that feeling that maybe you'd be the one to stick around just a little bit longer." ~ Unknown
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She is but her own worst enemy.

Dreams ...

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. Seuss

Human nature doesn't always bloom...

First there was bad temperament and unnecessary judgment....next came a lot of indecisiveness, a fair amount of hesitation and an even more amount of false intentions and lies. After that came unsuspected love. A love built on a journey that would never be complete no matter how much she wanted it. Upon the end of love came heartbreak which was fought to the bitter end. Thereafter, again nothing more than skepticism snuck in. It almost drowned her but then along came the child. One that meant well but would never be able to complete her.... and now.... pure apathy.

She is just simply tired of human nature.
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“The problem with people is that they're only human.” ~ Bill Watterson

And still ...

... you cross my mind. 

Ghosts of the Heart

Within my dreams I have needless conversations
And sometimes . . .
Regret stands so close I can feel its insulting breath.

Unrelenting is the "what if" theory that plays on
Until the opening of my eyes . . .
For explanations, I hang on to and anticipate their whispers.

Then nightly terrorized slumbers compel my inner demons
Taking over my heart . . .
A door to my soul locked, a spent key hidden inside.

Because You're Beautiful

I asked him, "Why did you marry me?"  He pondered for only a short moment and responded, "Because you're beautiful."  He stated this simply and without a second thought.  To some, this would have been a grand compliment but to me it was one of the worst answers I could have hoped for and it hit like a ton of bricks. It opened my eyes.  After a decade of marriage, this was the only answer he could come up with.  That was over 6 years ago and the last question he ever answered that mattered to me.

 Now, I've realized his simple response effected me in a way I never thought was possible.  It's made me more aware of who I am and what I have to offer.  It's made me aware of what others in my life are worth, whether it's been good or bad.  What I see when I meet people, what is important to me about them. What other qualities they possess besides their outer glow, what makes them who they are, what drives them to be a better person both for themselves and hopefully, for me. I will not settle for just anyone.  I know who I'm looking for and it's not just a pretty person.

Such is Life

“Somewhere someone is thinking of you. Someone is calling you an angel. This person is using celestial colors to paint your image. Someone is making you into a vision so beautiful that it can only live in the mind. Someone is thinking of the way your breath escapes your lips when you are touched. How your eyes close and your jaw tightens with concentration as you give pleasure a home. These thoughts are saving a life somewhere right now. . . . Such life saving power when you smile. You will never know how you have cauterized my wounds. So sad that we will never touch. How it hurts me to know that I will never be able to give you everything I have." ~ Henry Rollins 

Wishy-washy

__________________________________
"Endurance is frequently a form of indecision."  ~Elizabeth Bibesco, Haven, 195
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I was once called wishy-washy.  

I was led to believe I didn't know what I wanted.   When in fact, really all I knew at that exact moment was I absolutely, positively didn't want him. 

The Struggle of an Artist

Ghosts of the Heart, by Calliope's Room Photography

I read an interesting interview the other day.  One given by Michelle Williams, an actress.  She stated, "It seems to me that as soon as you get good at something, it is a sure sign that it is about to walk out of your life because it ceases to hold your mind and creative energy hostage."

I don't think I've ever heard a better explanation of what I feel is my constant struggle with my art and photography.  Upon completion of any piece of art, whether it be a photograph, a drawing and now more recently, a painting, there is a tugging at my chest.  Something is always missing.  I feel the piece could have been better if only I had or if only I hadn't.  I've always felt this was a flaw of my own doing.  I've felt very strange inside and as though I wasn't worthy of making art.  Some artists might know exactly what I'm describing for they've felt it as well.  However, I honestly think that if the feeling ever goes away, then so will my desire to create.  For that reason I welcome this uneasy and constant tugging at my heart .....  I hope it never goes away.  If only all of life's uneasiness was as acceptable and tolerable.  

Waiting

"You have to be patient.  I'm not."  ~ Madonna

If you slow down, you won't miss all the perfect moments that build a lifetime of happiness.  Be patient and what's meant to be, will be. 

Now, everyday goes by faster and faster but this theory has yet to let me down.

"I want to know more about you."

The funny thing about "I want to know more about you" is that you never really know how much of the full, honest truth you're getting in response.  It seems to be a very irrelevant question when you think about it.  The reactions you should really be paying attention to are the timing of the smirks, the exact moment when the eyebrow becomes raised and the questions that are asked in response to the childhood memory or secrets you tell her.  

The next words that fall from the lips are jaded, they are strategic and mostly they are clouded with a lifetime of doubt.  Observe, remember, act on what you see.  Learn the poker face and retain the reaction to certain words, places she takes you and memoirs she decides to share.  While the stories might seem very insignificant, they are true reflections of who she is and, in turn, the soul she is looking for.  

The Stranger

"The Stranger" Oil on Canvas, September 2011, My Work

Beautiful Stranger
Haven't we met
You're some kind of beautiful stranger
You could be good for me
I've had the taste for danger

If I'm smart then I'll run away
But I'm not so I guess I'll stay
Heaven forbid
I'll take my chance on a beautiful stranger

I looked into your eyes
And my world came tumbling down
You're the devil in disguise
That's why I'm singing this song

To know you is to love you
You're everywhere I go
And everybody knows
To love you is to be part of you
I've paid for you with tears
And swallowed all my pride

~Madonna

A Monster Within

Tree, Cir 2011, Oil on canvas

I believe I would have allowed that blank canvas to remain blank forever had it not been for a wonderful person coming into my life.  He has reopened my eyes and heart to painting.  He may have very well even awoken a sleeping monster.  This is the result of my first attempt at painting.  
Now, if you find you can't reach me by phone and I don't answer the door for hours and hours... well just assume I have been swallowed alive in a world of fantasy and color. 
BEEP! "Leave a message and I will get back to you when I've swam ashore." 

A Question of Feeling....what exactly?

The question is:
Would you rather fall in love with someone who would never love you back...... or have someone love you that you could never find yourself falling in love with?
Is it possible to love that person enough for the both of you to last a lifetime?

It Simply Is

"Man - a being in search of meaning."  ~Plato
There is self affirmation in simplicity.

A Beautiful Fucked Up Mess

Your name ran across my tongue the other day and after all these years you are still Nothing. I seeked you out and found you still, to this day, hide behind the stories ... you sulk .... only you know deep down you are nothing ... nothing to a soul. You hide your thoughts so well....but eventually you show your true face. They each find you out and leave, don't they? I wonder if you will ever realize it's because you are you and they want more for themselves. Or is your justification still to place the blame solely on them. Were they in the wrong for leaving you? I wonder if you will ever realize that the ones who stay are only feeding off your talent...............for the real beast isn't worth more.


Although you have fought within your mind for something grand, you have accomplished nothing for yourself except a self righteous name that sells through the art you regurgitate. Constantly the same stories, the same plot, the same wrung out heart with nothing else changing through the stories but the characters and the role you play in their life. Nothing more.  Some will see it, some have seen it..... but only a few will decide to accept you for the real you and stay .... yes, you are a talented fool.....but simply Nothing more. Nothing but a beautiful fucked up mess.

Just Listen . . .

The Intention of Reflective Sentiment

In these eyes you see a solemn beauty, 
A mask of unfulfilled emotions and dreams
Not more than provoked thoughts suffer here,
Not more than a distressed and bothered life.

Read into this character's disguised act, 
But save your false worry and imitation smiles.
Nothing more than I have rightfully craved, 
I'll be my only passionate confidant of selection.

I do believe I've become the person who I've pursued,
And I'll care not what pretentious lips have said.
This identity was created with invention in mind.
Take not from me my inspired dole of eager words.

Shine Through It

"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars."

Even the Small Things ...

If it makes it easier for you to admit to yourself that I over analyze, that I take too many things literally or that I hold a grudge for too long, then so be it.  But if you were standing where I am right now..... you might just interpret the words, the actions, the looks in the same fashion.  

Truth be told - "We judge others by their actions, we judge ourselves by our intentions."

Tell me ...

...that you love me. Does it show in my eyes?

Simply A Perspective

"Not everything that is more difficult is more meritorious."  ~ Saint Thomas Aquinas
_____________________________
Ponder.....realize.....decide.....act.......accept......                           When do we know it's right?

With every comment . . .

"The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal." ~ Astrid Alauda

I wonder . . .

. . . who knew forever already ended?  Was there ever a real chance . . .

The Sovereign Characteristic

The Sovereign Characteristic 
Choose not to live a life of excruciating envy
And never attempt to recreate your integrity 
Reach into yourself and pull from the deprivation
A soul built on solid truths and inner strength
Be and let be those that have created animosity
A survival within a coveting league of adherents
Rests solely on your decision to stand unsurpassed.

To Find Your Way Back

My thoughts are written down . . . read and read again . . . processed and normally discarded as quickly as they came.  Like an old love note, crumpled up in my mind . . . ripped and shredded then tossed aside before the words ever have a chance to escape my lips.  Before a lover would disapprove, the thoughts become little morsels of what I believe I want, need, desire, crave, and dropped, a sliver at a time . . . . . . . . a trail to help me find my way back, to me.

Wash it Away with Red

“Red is the ultimate cure for sadness.” ~ Bill Blass 
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It screams confidence, it whispers sex appeal, it dissolves fear, it attracts the eye, and it fabricates pure envy.  Wash it away, wash it all away..... with Red. 

Time to Change Course

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." -Wayne Dyer-
____________
Yes, it's time . . .

Sometimes . . .

...don't you wish?

The Nothing that Lingers

“There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.” ~ Buddha  
_________________________
It creeps, it stalks, it digs a small little crevice in your mind where it can hide and throw rocks of apprehension when you least expect it.  A quiet white noise . . . yet louder than a wind storm that keeps a ringing in your ears for days and days and days . . . 

Thoughts . . .

"There is a radar in my heart, I should have trusted, From the start . . ." ~ Depeche Mode

Just Through the Glass

Me, doing what I love most. Photographed by a good friend.

There is something about looking through and concentrating on nothing but the vision in the glass, that makes everything else in your life disappear.  When you see the simplicity of nature on a scale missed by the naked eye it tends to leave you sometimes breathless and almost always without words of definition.  And sometimes, if not for the proof of a photo, believing its possibility seems almost out of reach.  But then there's a moment when you feel your heart flutter, hear your own gasp, when you realize you've found the perfect shot.  To you . . . every next photograph seems over and beyond yet more beautiful than the last. 

I knew this time would come

"Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one."  ~Stella Adler
_______________________
Before I was a photographer I was in front of the camera trying to prove something to myself.  Trying to find myself and trying to make myself feel happy about myself.  When I was not prepared to quit, I did.  I began taking photos instead.  I tried to fill the void by making art instead.  Again, I was on a mission to prove something.  The only problem with that is that you have to know what you're trying to prove to actually accomplish it.  I never found what I was working towards on a scale that would make everyone around me happy.  Instead, I felt I was always answering questions that again made me wonder what I was trying to prove.  Was I trying to prove something to them or was I trying to prove something to myself?  In the end, it makes no difference.    I am happy with my photos, I am happy when I take them, I am happy when I create art.  It's as simple as that.  


I will no longer photograph models.  I will no longer take on paid assignments unless it suits me and makes me happy.  No more stress doing what I love the most.  I will do what I love because that is all it is.  Making love with art.   
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Pick up the latest book by Nikki Sixx "This is Gonna Hurt".  If you know me, if you understand why I might get inclined to do what I love without payment, after reading the first few chapters - you will get it entirely.  

It's Quiet Now

After the storm, before the sun there is a quietness that hums like the melody of a wasp. 

Don't Try to Fix It . . .

Sedona

Sometimes things aren't broken, they're just different and built to excel at things you're not. 

A Decision Left to Ponder

"It is better to have your head in the clouds, and know where you are... than to breathe the clearer atmosphere below them, and think that you are in paradise." ~ Henry David Thoreau


When do you reach the point of making a decision to live your life the way you want to live it or accepting the fact that living it has been simply for the sake of others? Have the decisions you've made through your life made you better or have they convinced you that where they've taken you is fate and you had no choice?


We are who we make of ourselves, through the cause and effect of our decisions.  Own it, deal with it, or give up on it and seal your own fate.  

Memories dissolve slowly . . .

"...Whose souls, albeit in a cloudy memory, yet seek back their good, but, like drunk men, know not the road home." 
~ Anicius Manlius Severinus Boethius

Why Take Them?

". . . because I am the person I know best." ~Frida Kahlo

Child Like Enthusiasm ...

cir. 1983

. . . will remain forever if you feel it deep in your heart, if you can make light of the worst situations and if you can pull through just enough to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

(I've always had a thing for animal ears.)

So?

"So, take the heat.  He likes you, you like him.  What's the problem?"
~Pretty In Pink

A Vice?

"Pleasure is very different than happiness."

I suppose it depends on the great lengths one is willing to go to achieve either. One in the same or one despite the other?

An Inner Acceptance of Value

An Inner Acceptance of Value

A constant cycle of inappreciable minutes
Another day of unending habitual battles
Yet through it all your ears open from silence
To be reminded you are nothing short of alive

Continue on a journey of dreamed escapes and
Venture forward in search of your own visions
Fill the oasis in your daily desert of boredom
With a beneficial decision to be your own admirer

Not another mind can appreciate your thoughts
Nor fill the shoes you've walked over arduous miles
So look in the mirror at the depreciator's face
And see the soul that will eventually complete you  

What would you do?...

..."What wouldn't I do...for the right guy?"

Books, Imagination and Love

I love book stores. I love the feeling of imagination enveloping you as you walk through the doors, that the smell of the bindings are overwhelming and with every book you pick up a new and completely different story is told.  I love how you can sometimes spend hours in a book store and never purchase a single thing but walk away with so many new thoughts that your head is swimming with new ideas, new theories, new bewilderment.  I love the fact that you walk away with the knowledge of wanting more to your life than what one night can bestow, one night of kisses, whispers, empty promises and still believe there's that one person still out there waiting to learn everything about you. 


Tonight, I walked into a book store, spent less than twenty minutes there and purchased a book I didn't go in looking for but rather, it found me, at the exact perfect moment.  The foreword stated this: 

"basis, n. - There has to be a moment at the beginning when you wonder whether you're in love with the person or in love with the feeling of love itself.  If the moment doesn't pass, that's it - you're done.  And if the moment does pass, it never goes that far.  It stands in the distance, ready for whenever you want it back.  Sometimes it's even there when you thought you were searching for something else, like an escape route, or your lover's face."  ~ David Levithan 

"With every...

... kiss, a piece of my soul fades, and further at a distance my heart stays." 

She's . . .

What Are You Gonna Do?

There's now, there's a reason, there's a desire, what are you gonna do? Never be what they want you to be, never be the...

They Balance You. . .

Friends help to balance the insanity of life and create just enough havoc to keep you grounded.

A Warped Reality

"Oh! What kind of life one could live if only to possess the ability to survive this dreadful reality by piecing together simply the moments of utter fulfillment." ~Me

Dreams to Fathom

Sedona, Arizona (2008)

It's interesting, what you believe you need in your life to make you feel whole.  What can so suddenly and almost without warning turn your entire perspective into a backwards, upside down mess.  Is there ever a real balance to any of it . . . . . or, are you simply fooling yourself into believing there's someone out there willing to hold it steady?
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"Your presence dominates the judgments made on you."  (Never is a Promise ~Fiona Apple)

Mr. M

One of my drawings (cir. 1998)

Our Kingdom

If all the clocks stopped ticking
And my heart kept life's rhythm
Then my days filled with your love
Would be the foundation of our Kingdom.

I'd furnish the rooms with praise
And hang curtains made of smiles
My promises would light our corridors
Of happiness that would travel on for miles.

But if you ever feel a doubt
Or feel our Kingdom's walls crumbling
Be assured that our souls would unite
To create a bond that is never failing.


(Written May 10, 2002 for my Grandparents 50th Anniversary)

Her Space, His Hell

Sadly Unaware (The Fool) - 

The new utter "be all" of life, soul and thought
You are the stooge that waits for hell to arrive
It'll empty upon you illusive affection and approval 
And your wish granted, only for the fact of convenience
A sitting duck no longer sitting on the shore of safety
You will soon be the next closed chapter of its pathetic story
The fool who believed in its words, its looks, the rhyme
Know - at one time, we all were the fool in your shoes.

She's Been the Only Constant

She's almost 14 years old and I've had her since she was 2 months old.  She's been the only constant in my life for over a decade.  It's simply unfair that I only get that amount of time with her.  The one girl who has been there through all my smiles, all my tears and heartache, all the important moments in my life. 

"Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative." ~Mordecai Siegal (b. 1934)  

This quote hangs framed in my bathroom. 

Keep Moving

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving." ~Albert Einstein
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Every day is like an act to keep all the balls in the air, to avoid telling it like it really is and all the while trying to avoid hurt feelings.  Yet you attempt to maintain a certain integrity within.  Life is nothing more than a balancing act and a game to keep from being screwed by the morals you've instilled for yourself.  

I'd rather ...

...breathe on my own.

Circumstances Never Stray

There's a tone to your voice, a thought of you that clouds my thoughts...it isn't all a chosen circumstance that keeps you away...is it? It should be a choice to be here...a desire...the craving...the ache that should drive your heart to ...why can't it be? Change it...be here now.  I implore the desire your heart yells...I scream within... within this room of uncertainty. Suffer alone, bring me to my ... dreams on my knees. Save me from all this ....  It all . . . just . . . seems a matter of circumstance.  

Use Me No More

Release of My Fixation

It was an addiction, an unending want of insanity
A simple desire of humiliation, and a need of fear
A quiet crazy that rested inside his reserved space 
It continued to whisper, assured me he was somewhere near

It told me to keep him close, to feed upon the pain
Old dreams are now kept locked in clouds protected from me
I sat a safe distance enabling no speculation of intent
Far from his hate that would have no doubt devoured my soul.

Yesterdays words, full of empty promises tossed aside
And a forever love discarded like the trash he feeds
Tomorrow will be a new day of no more misunderstanding 
No longer will he be a sliver of desire in my secret room.


(Old story, but not forgotten)

White Dreams Fade

A Wonderful Undeniable Delusion? 

In this impervious room, I feel him
A deliberate presence of significance
These walls once built by suffocation 
Are weakened by the thought of his admiration


Will I survive, accept and believe in predestination 
After my heart’s destruction of its insecurities 
Can the foundation previously standing around my soul
Be replaced with pillars of undeniable infatuation of love


This apprehension, at the risk of losing myself beyond reason
Will be a surrender of total balance of preservation 
I am prepared to hand over to this man without trepidation 
A lifetime of expectations, real promises and uncompromising devotion. 

Kansas

Always missing home.

Be Here Now

I'm so tired of waiting.

When My Heart was Untainted . . .

When I still believed there was such a thing . . .
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Can You Let Go

Can you walk away
Bring yourself to forget me
Tell me how you maintain
That wall of unquestionable fear

Do you feel protected by animosity  
The arms of mistrust won’t protect
One day you’ll have to let go
And allow this Love to take over

You’ll be my everything and all
A sanctuary of dreams for me
The safe haven from daily obstacles
You were, are and will be forever mine.  

Eye See You

Through the stats I see those wanderers who have read my blog, what country you're from and how often you visit here.  However, I really don't know who you are.  Say hello, won't you?

Living Without . . .

When you follow your heart, you leave normal.  You leave all reason, all logic and all that is sometimes you, behind.  Sometimes you only realize it's all missing after there's nothing you can do about it.  ~Me

Never

"You'll never live
The life that I live
I'll never live the life
That wakes me in the night
You'll never hear
The message I give
You'll say it looks as though
I might give up this fight"

Words of Fiona Apple (Never is a Promise)

---

A misunderstanding of what is relevant, what is a priority and what is desired from another. A realization of different worlds that will more than likely never cross paths will surely keep dreams at bay this evening.

This is my observation. Simply an apparent study of the circumstances. ~Me

Self Reflection, Past Mistakes

"It's not what you look at that matters. It's what you see."  ~Thoreau