The flight is so much prettier

I really hate this feeling.  How can a feeling be so empty yet feel as though it fills my entire being without regard to my state of mind?  Very slowly over a period of time, it has created this monster within that stalks my inner demons......and sulks when it doesn't get it's way.  


I will give in.......I always give in.  


After all these years, it's a feeling I've never been able to accept. Yet it happens every time I get close. It eats me alive until I simply can take it no longer.  I never knew the why, the what, and when.  It would just happen.


Today I had a revelation.  Now suddenly, as I sit here, I realize that its a fight or flight defense.  Normally my mind wanders randomly and can't pinpoint the reasoning behind the confusion.  I no longer have the fight in me......but is the flight so much easier? And at what cost?  It's so much easier now to just accept it and move on.  It is what it is and it is what I am.  At this point, why bother changing years of hard work?

Believe

"She believes in many things....
*That human nature eventually tells on itself. 
*A man who rushes in too quickly to love isn't really in love but rather a soul afraid to be by himself. 
*Ask a man of regrets and he will only tell you what he wishes you to know.
*A man with a last wish will wish for what he feels most important in life, thereby revealing his morals. 
*A man who isn't comfortable in his own skin will tell you what you want to hear when the moment comes but will act upon the opposite when you're not looking. 
*A man who is too bold is too busy thinking of his next plan of action to notice the woman standing before him. 
*A man who can mingle doesn't feel belittled in a room of intelligent people.
*Those who compliment too easily are always looking for the next to compliment rather than focusing on the gift of the relationship they already have.
*Trust is given as rarely as shown."
~ The Journal of the Elusive Contradiction; October, 2011 

One sided....nothing

I don't deal well with one sided friendships.....Hell, I can hardly deal with two sided, mutual ones.  Don't believe you're the only one with a lot going on in their head, make time or hit the road. Life isn't going to slow down until you can deal with it.  It's just going to run you over.  

"The things you do
Aren't good for my health
The moves you make
You make for yourself
The means you use
Aren't meant to confuse
Although they do..."

~Dangerous, Depeche Mode

The Eye of an Artist

Differences; Oil on Canvas, 2012

The phrase goes, "A wise man once told me...." but in this case the only thing wise this man ever said to me was that, "An artist is the closest thing to God because he can create something from nothing just like God."  Do I believe him? Well, let's keep the topic of religion and what I believe to another post.  For now, let me just say, that art has a way of calming the beast within.  


Art, in one form or fashion, has been a part of my soul this entire life.  Beginning with a father who paints landscapes and a mother who at one time drew and sketched.  The life of an artist was graciously instilled in me....and it has come easily.  For as long as I can remember I saw things in a different light - literally.  Everything in front of me had an imaginary frame around it, had several shades of shadow and movement stood still for a very brief moment, just long enough for me to envision a photograph.  Even now I notice the smallest of wonders from the perfect dandelion swooped up by a gust of wind to the sun shining through the tallest palm tree creating a star burst of light.  I find myself constantly scanning...scanning....scanning....... everything in sight for the next perfect photo. Now....


......I've moved into painting.  This hasn't been as easy.  There's no "undo" button in painting.  When the brush hits that canvas you better have an idea of the end result before you even begin.  Such a frustrating art.  Trial and error can make a man go mad.  However, the reward at the end is so much more amazing. 


I was once asked if I had a vice.  The only vice I can come up with is the need to always have art in my life.  I can't possibly think of a day going by without some form of art crossing my mind and the very deep desire to create.  My life just wouldn't be worth living if I couldn't create something from nothing.