Silence

Silence, January 2012

Something magical happened last week.  I was going through some papers and ran across my old pencil tin, something I had stashed away when photography took a hold of me back in 2005. In fact, the last time I drew anything worth noting was in 1998.  So I suppose this would be the first doodle I've doodled in a very, very long time.  As I was drawing this I also realized why so many artists are self induced hermits.  Creating something from nothing does something to your soul.  It cleanses, it makes you feel something along the line of exhilaration. It makes your heart pump faster as you come to the end of the project and realize that what you envisioned in your mind actually transferred onto the paper or canvas. This is something that no other person can ever take from you.  It's yours, you own it.  Being able to create a visual piece of yourself and getting lost in the moments makes you feel safe.  It makes the reality outside your door dissolve, even for a few minutes, it's just you and your creation.

Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?

"And suppose that you lived
In that forest in France
Where the average young person
Just hasn't a chance
To escape from the perilous
Pants eating plants!


You oughta be thankful
A whole heaping lot
For the people and places
You're lucky you're not."
~Dr. Seuss, (1973)
___________________________
Rather than being sad you are you, sad that life seems so unfair to you, sad that an injustice you've created in your mind has made things a little bumpy, sad that you may not have what others might enjoy and instead of feeling there should be an easier way to survive....instead....for once....be aware enough to realize that in your life you have those surrounding you already that want you in their lives...just as you are and what they see in you......is you.

Sometimes it's...

...never too late to try again.  You just have to find me. 

That's Him . . .

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the boy who kisses you on your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you're in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, ''...that's her' and smiles..." ~Unknown

The House that Cages Us

"Houses are not haunted. We are haunted, and regardless of the architecture with which we surround ourselves, our ghosts stay with us until we ourselves are ghosts."  ~Velocity, Dean Koontz

There Are Always Reasons

Everything does happen for a reason...

Simple words would have made a world of difference. Silence....as written before....is the worst kind of communication. I was not the one for him.  Fate.

Perfect Imperfection

I was reading through quotes this evening, as I often do, and ran across this one, "Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly." Quoted by Sam Keen.

For me reading quotes tend to make me look at difficult or mundane situations in another light.  A self-therapy if you will. A way to shed light on sometimes very dark moments in my life. Tonight, when I read this one, something inside me registered differently.  For such an unbelievable simple saying the impact was quite forceful.

After so, so many wrong people .... before I even realized what was happening and days before this quote .... I had begun to notice it the last time we were together, just laughing and sharing an everyday day....there's something else there. Possibly right below the surface, just out of my reach at this moment but ....

Every moment I spend with him, I'm beginning to see something a little different in myself, in him........

It's Time...

...to get lost in photos again. Soon.......reset my default setting. 

Unbearable

I find myself focusing too much on the imbalances.  The uncertainty of the outcome of an unbalanced relationship.  Does it matter that I notice too much, that I fidget when I do and that I bottle the awareness up inside for only as long as I can hold my breath?  I watch, I judge, I make snap decisions on what I feel is right at that exact moment.  When justice would be served better if I simply waited it out.  It will pass.  It always does.  So I wait..... and then waiting makes other imperfections seem like errors.  In reality, imperfections make us human.....yet then again, being human is sometimes all together unbearable.  

Listen to the Secrets

"Maybe, maybe we look for secrets because we can't believe our minds..." ~ Girl Interrupted, 1999

Everyone has them....  It's the person who loves us, despite the worst of all, who you should learn to trust.

Ground Lost

If you notice I'm drifting away..... it's time to read the email.
______________________
"Every day you spend drifting from your goals is a waste not only of that day, but also of the additional day it takes to regain lost ground” ~ Ralph Marston

Clarity

At times it seems with every failure, you become more and more clear to me.  A clarity that will, I'm sure, win out over all the wrong people.  It's just a matter of time . . .in which I'll see past all the blur.

In the Beginning...

...it's always a sunrise.  It's the moments in between that make the day worth ... the sunset. 

The Future to Be

"Friendship" painted for a dear friend

"We will be friends until forever, just you wait and see."  - Winnie the Pooh
Sometimes I wonder what I would do without you. I hope I never have to find out. 

Life Happens

I will be the first to admit I have no patience for those without passion. I have no tolerance for people who are not strong willed. I find it very difficult to understand or empathize with a person who runs and hides from the daily trials of life. Let's face it. Life happens and sometimes it happens with a vengeance. Maybe it's because, although there has been hardship in my life, I simply can't relate. But maybe, it's because I've always faced problems head-on, dealt with them and moved on until again there was a smile on my face. This is the picture I paint in my mind, until...

...I meet a person who just...as simple as it may be...doesn't know how to move past the struggles of everyday challenges. They run, they hide from those who care, they sit and wait it out until it passes them by. They refuse help. They refuse a shoulder to cry on. They refuse borrowed strength. Sure. Physically they move their body to deal with what's going on but emotionally, they run under the first cover they can find and there they sit, they hope, wish and fantasize until the coast is clear. Only then do I fully and completely understand...

...just how strong willed I am. I feel I should thank them for that.

It's a new year. Finally.....my short lived rut is over.

"Sagittarians - Born philosophers, Sagittarians have an affinity for new concepts and possess a deep-seated desire to understand life's mysteries. Whether it's reading a book by Eckhart Tolle, attending a lecture by Deepak Chopra, or taking a world religion course at a local college, your hobby should stimulate this thirst for knowledge."

I can't...

...keep doing this.

The Exception

"Exception, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. 'The exception proves the rule' is an expression constantly on the lips of the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought of its absurdity." ~ The Devil's Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce

Are you my exception?

In the end...

...it's the people in our life who made the difference.  The one's who taught us who we are, both the good and the bad.  Hold on tightly to both.

The Sign of the Daisy

“All summer she scattered the daisy leaves; They only mocked her as they fell. She said: "The daisy but deceives; 'He loves me not,' 'he loves me will,' One story no two daisies tell." Ah foolish heart, which waits and grieves Under the daisy's mocking spell.” ~ The Sign of the Daisy, Helen Hunt Jackson 

The reason behind the complex behavior

"Maybe he's too pretty, or maybe he's too easy to get, or maybe it's really that he'd just be too easy to lose."  ~The thoughts of Katniss in Catching Fire

It's Here...

It's here I exhale a dispassionate sigh
A thought followed by a tear, quickly lost
The journey chosen by circumstance
Which beats down from time to time
It's here I wonder if fate really exists
A look upward which reflects within
The road has truly been for one
Which seems might just pass me by
It's here I believe I shall survive
A friendly reminder is earned strength
The course of many welcomed chances
Which have inspired an elaborate individuality.

Who I am, Who I am Not

I'm not a chaser. I'm not a runner. I'll never be yours. I'm never a priority. You'll never be one to me. Who I am? I'm not who you want me to be.  Who am I not? I'm not a disbeliever. Be the one you want me to be. Believe in me. I'll be who I am and no less, no more. It isn't who I'm not that you want. You want me as you want me to be. There never was me. There was never you. There was never us. It's what I want to be that makes no sense. No sense to me. No sense to them. My life is mine. Your heart will never be a part of.... what more do you want me to be if I'm not even who I want to be? It's all just a life of quoted has been, I write this as I wonder Who I am, Who I'm Not. I'm not who I'll be in the end, the middle is not me. This day will end with just me then begin over with me being me. I'm a mix of many gathered into one. I am not to be mistaken, I am only me, you will always just be you. Never for one, never for us, I will be only who I will ever want to be.  Do not understand me, the words or where it goes from here? Be you, I'm me and we'll never be us. 

Self Worth

The more I think about it, the more I truly believe that the amount of faith you have in others equals the amount of self worth you find in yourself.  Then I wonder - if you allow yourself to fall for someone you believe is far better than yourself, in morality and integrity, you won't trust yourself enough to just let it be.

For a Fleeting Moment

"Honestly, I wish you never let go of me when you held me in your arms. It gave me that feeling that maybe you'd be the one to stick around just a little bit longer." ~ Unknown
_________________________________________________
She is but her own worst enemy.

Dreams ...

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. Seuss

Human nature doesn't always bloom...

First there was bad temperament and unnecessary judgment....next came a lot of indecisiveness, a fair amount of hesitation and an even more amount of false intentions and lies. After that came unsuspected love. A love built on a journey that would never be complete no matter how much she wanted it. Upon the end of love came heartbreak which was fought to the bitter end. Thereafter, again nothing more than skepticism snuck in. It almost drowned her but then along came the child. One that meant well but would never be able to complete her.... and now.... pure apathy.

She is just simply tired of human nature.
_________________________________________________

“The problem with people is that they're only human.” ~ Bill Watterson

And still ...

... you cross my mind. 

Ghosts of the Heart

Within my dreams I have needless conversations
And sometimes . . .
Regret stands so close I can feel its insulting breath.

Unrelenting is the "what if" theory that plays on
Until the opening of my eyes . . .
For explanations, I hang on to and anticipate their whispers.

Then nightly terrorized slumbers compel my inner demons
Taking over my heart . . .
A door to my soul locked, a spent key hidden inside.

Because You're Beautiful

I asked him, "Why did you marry me?"  He pondered for only a short moment and responded, "Because you're beautiful."  He stated this simply and without a second thought.  To some, this would have been a grand compliment but to me it was one of the worst answers I could have hoped for and it hit like a ton of bricks. It opened my eyes.  After a decade of marriage, this was the only answer he could come up with.  That was over 6 years ago and the last question he ever answered that mattered to me.

 Now, I've realized his simple response effected me in a way I never thought was possible.  It's made me more aware of who I am and what I have to offer.  It's made me aware of what others in my life are worth, whether it's been good or bad.  What I see when I meet people, what is important to me about them. What other qualities they possess besides their outer glow, what makes them who they are, what drives them to be a better person both for themselves and hopefully, for me. I will not settle for just anyone.  I know who I'm looking for and it's not just a pretty person.

Such is Life

“Somewhere someone is thinking of you. Someone is calling you an angel. This person is using celestial colors to paint your image. Someone is making you into a vision so beautiful that it can only live in the mind. Someone is thinking of the way your breath escapes your lips when you are touched. How your eyes close and your jaw tightens with concentration as you give pleasure a home. These thoughts are saving a life somewhere right now. . . . Such life saving power when you smile. You will never know how you have cauterized my wounds. So sad that we will never touch. How it hurts me to know that I will never be able to give you everything I have." ~ Henry Rollins 

Wishy-washy

__________________________________
"Endurance is frequently a form of indecision."  ~Elizabeth Bibesco, Haven, 195
__________________________________
I was once called wishy-washy.  

I was led to believe I didn't know what I wanted.   When in fact, really all I knew at that exact moment was I absolutely, positively didn't want him. 

The Struggle of an Artist

Ghosts of the Heart, by Calliope's Room Photography

I read an interesting interview the other day.  One given by Michelle Williams, an actress.  She stated, "It seems to me that as soon as you get good at something, it is a sure sign that it is about to walk out of your life because it ceases to hold your mind and creative energy hostage."

I don't think I've ever heard a better explanation of what I feel is my constant struggle with my art and photography.  Upon completion of any piece of art, whether it be a photograph, a drawing and now more recently, a painting, there is a tugging at my chest.  Something is always missing.  I feel the piece could have been better if only I had or if only I hadn't.  I've always felt this was a flaw of my own doing.  I've felt very strange inside and as though I wasn't worthy of making art.  Some artists might know exactly what I'm describing for they've felt it as well.  However, I honestly think that if the feeling ever goes away, then so will my desire to create.  For that reason I welcome this uneasy and constant tugging at my heart .....  I hope it never goes away.  If only all of life's uneasiness was as acceptable and tolerable.  

Waiting

"You have to be patient.  I'm not."  ~ Madonna

If you slow down, you won't miss all the perfect moments that build a lifetime of happiness.  Be patient and what's meant to be, will be. 

Now, everyday goes by faster and faster but this theory has yet to let me down.

"I want to know more about you."

The funny thing about "I want to know more about you" is that you never really know how much of the full, honest truth you're getting in response.  It seems to be a very irrelevant question when you think about it.  The reactions you should really be paying attention to are the timing of the smirks, the exact moment when the eyebrow becomes raised and the questions that are asked in response to the childhood memory or secrets you tell her.  

The next words that fall from the lips are jaded, they are strategic and mostly they are clouded with a lifetime of doubt.  Observe, remember, act on what you see.  Learn the poker face and retain the reaction to certain words, places she takes you and memoirs she decides to share.  While the stories might seem very insignificant, they are true reflections of who she is and, in turn, the soul she is looking for.  

The Stranger

"The Stranger" Oil on Canvas, September 2011, My Work

Beautiful Stranger
Haven't we met
You're some kind of beautiful stranger
You could be good for me
I've had the taste for danger

If I'm smart then I'll run away
But I'm not so I guess I'll stay
Heaven forbid
I'll take my chance on a beautiful stranger

I looked into your eyes
And my world came tumbling down
You're the devil in disguise
That's why I'm singing this song

To know you is to love you
You're everywhere I go
And everybody knows
To love you is to be part of you
I've paid for you with tears
And swallowed all my pride

~Madonna

A Monster Within

Tree, Cir 2011, Oil on canvas

I believe I would have allowed that blank canvas to remain blank forever had it not been for a wonderful person coming into my life.  He has reopened my eyes and heart to painting.  He may have very well even awoken a sleeping monster.  This is the result of my first attempt at painting.  
Now, if you find you can't reach me by phone and I don't answer the door for hours and hours... well just assume I have been swallowed alive in a world of fantasy and color. 
BEEP! "Leave a message and I will get back to you when I've swam ashore." 

A Question of Feeling....what exactly?

The question is:
Would you rather fall in love with someone who would never love you back...... or have someone love you that you could never find yourself falling in love with?
Is it possible to love that person enough for the both of you to last a lifetime?

It Simply Is

"Man - a being in search of meaning."  ~Plato
There is self affirmation in simplicity.

A Beautiful Fucked Up Mess

Your name ran across my tongue the other day and after all these years you are still Nothing. I seeked you out and found you still, to this day, hide behind the stories ... you sulk .... only you know deep down you are nothing ... nothing to a soul. You hide your thoughts so well....but eventually you show your true face. They each find you out and leave, don't they? I wonder if you will ever realize it's because you are you and they want more for themselves. Or is your justification still to place the blame solely on them. Were they in the wrong for leaving you? I wonder if you will ever realize that the ones who stay are only feeding off your talent...............for the real beast isn't worth more.


Although you have fought within your mind for something grand, you have accomplished nothing for yourself except a self righteous name that sells through the art you regurgitate. Constantly the same stories, the same plot, the same wrung out heart with nothing else changing through the stories but the characters and the role you play in their life. Nothing more.  Some will see it, some have seen it..... but only a few will decide to accept you for the real you and stay .... yes, you are a talented fool.....but simply Nothing more. Nothing but a beautiful fucked up mess.

Just Listen . . .

The Intention of Reflective Sentiment

In these eyes you see a solemn beauty, 
A mask of unfulfilled emotions and dreams
Not more than provoked thoughts suffer here,
Not more than a distressed and bothered life.

Read into this character's disguised act, 
But save your false worry and imitation smiles.
Nothing more than I have rightfully craved, 
I'll be my only passionate confidant of selection.

I do believe I've become the person who I've pursued,
And I'll care not what pretentious lips have said.
This identity was created with invention in mind.
Take not from me my inspired dole of eager words.

Shine Through It

"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars."

Even the Small Things ...

If it makes it easier for you to admit to yourself that I over analyze, that I take too many things literally or that I hold a grudge for too long, then so be it.  But if you were standing where I am right now..... you might just interpret the words, the actions, the looks in the same fashion.  

Truth be told - "We judge others by their actions, we judge ourselves by our intentions."

Tell me ...

...that you love me. Does it show in my eyes?

Simply A Perspective

"Not everything that is more difficult is more meritorious."  ~ Saint Thomas Aquinas
_____________________________
Ponder.....realize.....decide.....act.......accept......                           When do we know it's right?

With every comment . . .

"The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal." ~ Astrid Alauda

I wonder . . .

. . . who knew forever already ended?  Was there ever a real chance . . .

The Sovereign Characteristic

The Sovereign Characteristic 
Choose not to live a life of excruciating envy
And never attempt to recreate your integrity 
Reach into yourself and pull from the deprivation
A soul built on solid truths and inner strength
Be and let be those that have created animosity
A survival within a coveting league of adherents
Rests solely on your decision to stand unsurpassed.

To Find Your Way Back

My thoughts are written down . . . read and read again . . . processed and normally discarded as quickly as they came.  Like an old love note, crumpled up in my mind . . . ripped and shredded then tossed aside before the words ever have a chance to escape my lips.  Before a lover would disapprove, the thoughts become little morsels of what I believe I want, need, desire, crave, and dropped, a sliver at a time . . . . . . . . a trail to help me find my way back, to me.

Wash it Away with Red

“Red is the ultimate cure for sadness.” ~ Bill Blass 
_______________________________
It screams confidence, it whispers sex appeal, it dissolves fear, it attracts the eye, and it fabricates pure envy.  Wash it away, wash it all away..... with Red. 

Time to Change Course

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." -Wayne Dyer-
____________
Yes, it's time . . .

Sometimes . . .

...don't you wish?